So I had some exciting news today! Hellbound won the Urban Fantasy category in the Fantasy, Futuristic  & Paranormal RWA chapter contest!  I WON!! To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. There were three of us who finaled in Urban Fantasy. Naturally I googled the other two. They both  finaled and/or won a few other contests. I naturally assumed one of them would take top honors. The final judge, a senior editor at Tor, scored me 91/150. So that would be like, a C?! I suck at math and really don’t care about figuring it out. She made a few suggestions, asked a few questions. She did not request a partial or full manuscript but did say I was welcome to submit. She stated however, she thinks Hellbound is too much romance for Tor. This is still really cool because Tor does not accept un-agented submissions.

I guess I’ll tweak it for a few weeks and submit it?! The thought really freaks me out. I know I should be super thrilled with this. I mean, it’s a huge honor. But instead I’m still questioning myself. I do feel vindicated from that earlier contest that told me I suck, but it doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would. Where is the boost of confidence? Where is the urge to polish this manuscript to the shiniest shine? Instead, I feel a bit like curling up into the fetal position and rocking back and forth. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of disturbing the status quo. Fear of success. Instead of enjoying the moment, I wonder if the other two in my category were asked for a partial or full. If they were, I’m thrilled for them. This is a bloody tough business. I know all of these feelings are normal, but I don’t like feeling them. First world problems, right?

And that’s where I am right now. Thrilled at coming in first. Thrilled the editor scored my entry the highest of three. Frozen into inaction because the thought of actually sending this out into the world is  terrifying. Yeah. Welcome to the life of a writer!

One down, now the Maggies to go (October 1st)!