Yes, I’ve been gone a couple of months. No, I wasn’t very concerned because I don’t have an audience and figured no one would even notice. A lot of things have happened. On the personal front:

• My daughter graduated high school.
• She picked a college.
• She finally got her learners permit.
• Her dad bought her a car she is learning to drive.

On the I guess you’d say professional front:

• Had a couple of job interviews. They didn’t pan out because oh, they were really looking to hire internally.
• Decided to step out of my comfort zone and try being a Beachbody coach. I use many of the workout programs, I drink the shakes, I figured why not get the discount and maybe make a few bucks. I don’t think this is going to work out for me after all (no pun intended).
• I finaled in the Futuristic, Fantasy and Paranormal RWA chapter’s On The Far Side contest in the urban fantasy category with my WCIP (work constantly in progress) Hellbound.
• I finaled in the Georgia Romance Writers contest, The Maggies, in the paranormal category, also with Hellbound.

I should be ecstatic, right? And I was…for a couple of days. This is what I wanted, what I’ve worked for. Especially after the horribleness of one of the previous contests (http://www.ashliwade.com/dealing-with-disappointment-and-frustration/). Then I got the feedback/scoresheets. While it wasn’t *bad* per se, it wasn’t great, either, and makes me wonder how the hell I even finaled. I think it’s a great story and concept. Well, concept anyway. I have several drafts of the story, can’t seem to get it where I really want it. People who know me seem to like it and encourage me daily to finish it already. These people who don’t know me seem very blah about it. So even though I finaled in the two contests I REALLY wanted to final in, I still feel let down. My confidence is once again shaken. One of the finals judges is an editor with a publisher I could only ever dream would give me the time of day. While I don’t expect this editor to request the full much less throw money at me and beg for publishing rights, I’m afraid it might kill anything I have left in me for this story if she tears it apart. Stupid? Yes, I know, but that’s how I feel. I have yet another draft completely plotted out. All I have to do is write it. That’s what I was supposed to be doing the last nine days. Instead, I’ve avoided it like the plague and made myself sick stressing over it. I have a whole series world populated with dozens of characters in my head, and they want desperately to burst free. But I can’t move myself past this ONE story. I can’t get it right. I can’t let it go. When I take those judge’s comments to heart, then I question whether or not I have the skill necessary to bring this story to life. And God help me if someone does request the full manuscript. It doesn’t exist.

The Beachbody thing….seems to work great for a lot of people. The only real way to earn money consistently is to a) get at least 3 people a month to purchase challenge packs – a workout program and shakeology, or b) get people to sign up for monthly shakeology. Everyone I know either can’t afford shakeology or isn’t interested. I tell them about it once. If they say can’t afford it/not interested, I drop it. That’s fine, not gonna push it and whine about it. So the people who want to help us succeed are really nice about it. “It’s not selling, it’s sharing”. Well, I can share all I want, but if someone doesn’t have the extra money for shakes, sharing doesn’t do anything for them or me. I do like the shakeology. It tastes good compared to other shakes. My nails are growing and I can actually keep them at a decent length without constantly breaking and my skin is healthier, too. I buy it for myself, but I am not going to try and wheedle anyone else into buying it. Ergo, I am not going to succeed at this coach thing. Yes, I know, if you speak it, then you will it into existence. In this case it’s true. So far it’s a bust. I’ll let that quietly fade into oblivion and continue to encourage those friends who have purchased a workout program to stay with it and reap the benefits. Even writers, especially writers! need to get off their bums and get the blood circulating.

Then there were the events of the last several days. The police shootings in Louisiana and Minnesota, then the coldblooded murders of the police officers in Dallas. All the hateful rhetoric spewing forth. The “you’re either with me or against me” mentality of so many people who have no empathy or sympathy for The Other Side. Instead of trying to portray calm and solidarity, the politicians make even more inflammatory statements. It’s ridiculous. Everything above has led to my uncommonly depressed mood. I can usually cheer myself up pretty quick. I’m at one of those weird crossroads where when I try to get past the dark, sticky miasma surrounding me, I feel guilty because bad things are happening to people I’m somewhat acquainted with and then all of these craptastic world events that bring misery to so many. How can I feel cheery and hopeful when people are dying and homeless and there’s no end in sight?

So that’s where I am right now. Sad about external events. Frustrated with myself. Not really sure how to make any of it go away right now without junk food and a winning powerball ticket. On that note, I’m going to workout for a bit, make my body work a little harder than my mind. Maybe I can get a little writing done after that.